Petition to have a new rating for movies.

A few years ago I made the decision to not do movies or tv shows that make me cry.   This decision came about after the third or fourth movie in a row that I went to with my BF that made me cry.  I mean there is nothing worse in a catch up and some ‘girl time’ than in the middle of the movie you are watching you burst into tears.  She got to the point where she didn’t want to invite me out anymore.

Why is it that directors and writers of chick flicks think that they need to have a part that makes you dig out the tissues?  We need to let Hollywood in on a secret.  GIRLS DON’T LIKE TO CRY! Crying,  especially in public is the worst thing you can put a woman through.   It is probably the main reason guys don’t want to watch them.

The first reason for this is it ruins your makeup.   Even the strongest of waterproof mascara is not tear proof.  I did not spend 30 minutes putting my makeup on in the morning (45 if it is date night) to end up looking like this:

The first thing a woman does when she goes out in public is to size up the competition.  Guys you might get a look in, but really the first thing we are doing is judging all the other women.  We evaluate what we like about them, their hair, their clothes (and shoes). Then we decide what we don’t like about them and compare how we stack up.  However,  when you look like you have just done ‘Tough Mudda’ in full makeup it is very difficult to feel you are able judge others on how they present in public.  Your makeup is like a suit of armor and if your armor has a nick in it,  then you don’t feel like you are ready to go into battle.

The second reason we do not like to cry is that it isn’t pretty.   The lovely starlet in the movie looks like this when she is crying:

Nobody looks like that in real life when they cry.  It is physically impossible to cry without your face screwing up so you nose takes on animalistic qualities.  Your face goes all red and eyes get puffy. 

During the act of crying there is absolutely nothing attractive.   Sure the movie theater is dark so the only people who see you looking like this are the people sitting directly to your right and left,  but of course when you cry liquid doesn’t just leak out of your eyes.  

It’s the liquid that comes out of your nose that causes the big dilemma.  Nobody wants snot running down their face, not to mention in order to stop the ridiculous snorting noises you make when crying you need to close your mouth.   Once said mouth is closed then breathing is required through the nose.   This can’t happen while liquid is blocking this orifice.   So what can you do?  You can snort it back up – yuk and noisy.   Or you can find that tissue (mostly clean) that you know is hidden somewhere in your handbag that you placed in their last spring when you had hay fever.   Tissues are naturally good at hiding,  especially in dark cinemas (and pockets- proven repeatedly by the amount of times I have had to rewash entire loads of washing).  Actually I think they are afraid of the dark.   Because when looking for your purse it is extremely difficult to find it because of all the tissues in the way.  However,  in a dark cinema when trying to find those pesky tissues they all go into hiding and you spend 5 minutes scratching around in your bag looking for them ( while trying not to knock the drink of the person on your left, snort or scream in agony at the pain from the chemical burn from the makeup running into your eyes).

The third reason nobody likes to cry is because afterwards you feel like crap.  Your eyes ache,  your nose is sore and you have a headache that rates between 6 and 99 on the Richter scale.   Girl time is there so we can feel capable of dealing with the mundane or dramatic events our families present to us.  Movies present about 90 minutes of get away from the real world.   Why does anyone think that we want to come away from a chick flick feeling worse than when we went in? We could have just stayed at home and argued with the kids about cleaning their room and making their beds without shelling out the $17 for a ticket to feel the same way.

So now I refuse to watch a movie or tv show without talking to someone who has seen it first to give me a tissue rating on it.  I have missed many a season finale and girl catch up for this very reason.   J is so totally clued into this and will warn me on the tv shows we both watch about if they will make me cry before I watch them. 

This has me thinking: Wouldn’t life be much simpler if we had a tissue rating system in place.  10 tissues for movies like ‘PS I love you’ that get you crying in the first 10 minutes and then repeat the crying jag every 20 minutes for the duration.   5 tissues for movies like ‘Life as we know it’ that get you crying within 30 minutes,  but then you laugh for the rest.  3 tissues for those movies that go great for 85 minutes,  but then make you cry in the last 5 minutes.  Movies that make you laugh so hard you cry would need to be given a 1 tissue rating.  And cinemas should be responsible in there ratings and provide the required number of tissues with every ticket- glow in the dark ones so they can be found in said dark cinema.  
Or even better Hollywood needs to stop making movies to make people cry.  Life is too short to spend it crying over somebody else’s troubles.  Chick lit books manage to keep me involved for 280 pages with only brief sections if feeling sorry for the heroine,  but then she gets the hot guy back (or kidnapped by the town crazy, or shot) before I dissolve into tears myself.   Hollywood take a leaf from ’50 Shades of Grey’ crying is not sexy!

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